The struggle IS REAL, every second of every day. CFS/ME does not give you the option to press on and push through.
When you see me teaching, and jumping around, full of energy in class it’s because teaching group fitness is 100% what I love to do. I want to be teaching, to be encouraging and giving everything I have to make your class experience the best ever.
Yet, behind the scenes, every single day, I AM THIS GIRL in the video. this is my life. It breaks my heart to hear her words as they are my words too.
It doesn’t take much, some days a even just phone call before I leave for class, or an unexpected visitor in the afternoon can be enough to leave me struggling to get the right words out. It’s like my brain cannot function. If your a class regular then you’ve all seen me on those days when I’m not quite on form… I’ve learnt to hide it well so I forgive you if you missed the signs. Some days it really can be a huge effort sometimes for me to show up, but I want to be there. I can’t imagine myself doing anything else.
Before I leave for a class I have to rest, then when I get home from class again I have to rest. Now when I say rest I don’t mean a quick five minutes on the sofa with a cuppa, I wish! No, I need to have an empty house, no noise and a good half hour or hour of nothing-ness. This is how I roll folks
Most days, even after a great sleep, I struggle to waken, or I see double for hours after I wake. It’s like having a hangover and flu, every morning, especially after a hard, or double class the day before.
Some days would be lovely to join you and skip class, but I turn up, and will modify my teaching if need be, because and I can’t express this enough, I really do love teaching group fitness. I love my job.
I wish CFS would go away and never return. I wonder “why me?”. I have so much I want to do. I have plans.
I get so frustrated with myself. I want to get certain tasks done, but then I start and can only do so much before my body tells me to stop, go rest, or my mind just wants to be quiet and switch off. If I ignore and press on I can end up crashing for hours, days sometimes.
Perhaps one morning I’ll waken and it will just be gone. I think I’m allowed this wish.
I love the honesty of this girl in the video, I find it very difficult to be honest about my health and how I feel as most comments are, “yeh, we all get tired sometimes”, or ” it’s an age thing”. As someone living with a chronic fatigue condition for the past four and a half years these types of comments can hurt me right to my core. These people have no idea how much it hurts when they speak these words. I try be kind, smile and ignore it, but God damn it frustrates me.
At the end of the day I cannot change what others think. I can only change how I react till it no longer hurts… I’m still working on this!
Stay positive. Stay balanced. And get to class, if I can – you can too